Revised Player Profiles

Manager Ian Babb had to constructed a small profile on each player for the County Cup Final. Being the serious man he is, they are serious and big up everyone, when quite frankly most of the team don’t deserve this praise.

By request from several players, here are the revised profiles to what each one actually means (and couldn’t be included in the match day programme)

CHRIS RICHMOND

Programme profile : Fantastic shot stopper, with great distribution and a huge kick.

Revised profile : Hardly has to make any saves, just punts it upfield for the fast players to catch.

STU HENNING

Set piece specialist. Loves to get forward and scores his fair share of goals.

Never actually scored a free-kick, 90% of his goals are from the penalty spot against some of the poorest keepers in Norfolk.

ROBBIE STONE

Joker of the pack. Beast of a left foot with a cracking delivery into the box.

The boy is a complete joke.

RICHARD DONOVON

Tough in the tackle, comfortable on the ball. Starts most of the teams attacks and scores goals.

Loves cock, comfortable with balls. Starts attacks for our opponents.

NATHAN SADLER

Club captain, leads by example, reads the game brilliantly. A commanding defender.

Only given the captaincy as he was the only one sad enough to go to JJB Sports and buy a captain’s armband.

LIAM WARD

All action defender, fierce in the tackle. Farned for his commitment.

Headless chicken who goes in two footed and knee height with every tackle.

PAUL MUNDAY

Pacey full-back, dependable at the back, keen on a hard tackle.

Moved to London half way through the season, no commitment and very un-dependable.

JOSH EYRE

Dominant in the air, box to box midfielder. A real crowd pleaser.

Tall but can’t head, liability in the box as he can’t shoot, a laughing stock amongst all spectators.

BEN SPALDING

Heartbeat of the team, creative hub of the midfield who makes the team tick.

To play three games in a row would be a great achievement.

CHRIS SUTCLIFFE

Great techinical ability, creates plently of chances for the forwards, has an eye for goal.

Getting old, is currently injured and has never scored for the Bell Inn.

BAZ

Great skills on the ball, a tricky winger who chips in with his fair share of goals.

By a fair share of goals, Ian Babb must be referring to his ONE goal this season.

GEORGE NEWBERRY

Youngster of the team, midfield dynamo who ghosts pasts players for fun.

Hogger, 5% pass completion rate.

REECE ASHMAN

A willing runner who runs straight at the heart of the defence. A regular goalscorer.

Run’s straight at defenders and usual ends up on the floor.

JOHNNY HOLLAND

Pacey striker whose unpredictability causes real headaches for the defence. Unbelievable touch.

Doesn’t even know what he is doing himself, touch of a rapist.

TOM BROWN

Huge ego but delivers with goals. Good feet and technically gifted. Seven cup goals to his name.

Huge ego but delivers with goals. Good feet and technically gifted. Seven cup goals to his name.

(No edit needed)

KRIS LANE

Great feet for a big man. Bullet of a shot, a flair player who creates and scores plently of goals.

Fat, shoots from distance all the time as is too unfit to run.

IAN BABB

Lightining quick striker who terrorises defences with pace and work-rate. Seven cup goals to his name.

Without pace, would be fuckin awful.

Babb explodes as Bell Inn crumble

A very poor Bell Inn are now out of the title race, after performing to a standard that can only be described as ’embarrasing’.

After beating Hethersett 8-0 earlier in the season, spirits were high going into the game. However, another heavy Saturday night for the majority of the squad paid its price.

Even with the help of George Newberry, who spent the morning praying for his beloved club, didn’t prevent the outcome.

Robbie Stone, who turned up after kick off in a state after a night out at a So Solid Crew gig, was given the keeper’s jersey. Poor positional sense after 10 minutes allowed Hethersett to take the lead with a strike from the half way line.

Minutes later, a free kick snuck in at the near post. At this point, many of the Bell Inn were looking dis-interested.

Manager/Striker Ian Babb completley lost the plot, arguing with every decision given against him, and was rightfully booked. Not a wise move considering today’s referee has been appointed as the linesman in next month’s Junior Cup final.

Tom Brown scored right on half time with a tidy finish after good work from Johnny Holland. Although Brown doesn’t move much, some onlookers were heard muttering, “This guy is as good at finishing as Robbie Fowler was in his prime”. He has a point.

Half time : Hethersett 2 v 1 Bell Inn

Babb’s calmed down at half time and apologised to the ref. He also apologised to his team-mates. His behaviour was simply unacceptable and many players are calling for him to be dropped for the cup final.

As expected, the Bell Inn dominated the second half but were still struggling to score. It took a tap in from captain Nath Sadler to get the scores level, after a good cross from someone. Probably Tom Nicholls, who was making his debut and was much better than most the regulars.

Babb’s carried on arguing when he was denied a penalty, but quickly shut up as a second yellow card would have resulted in him being suspended for the cup final. Although this would be funny, it would massively dent the team’s chances of winning it.

With the game tied at 2-2, Josh Eyre, who had completely forgotten how to pass the ball 5 yards, flew himself through the air for a diving header. It looked silly, pathetic and simply went out for a goal kick. Why he done it, I don’t know.

Hethersett made it 3-2 due to another defensive howler, but top scorer Brown added to his tally thanks to a Babb cross. With the scores at 3-3, it was there for the taking but somehow Hethersett got a fourth and held on.

It was not a great result, or performance, which is worrying going into the final stages of the season. A record number of players were absent today, including Chris Sutcliffe, George Newberry, Liam Ward, Chris Richmond, Kris Lane, Paul Munday and Reece Ashman. This didn’t help. But the eleven out there really should have done better.

Regarding one of today’s no-shows, Kris Lane is cycling 400 miles to raise money for Alzheimers in a few weeks time. I personally can’t see him managing this as he is lazy, over-weight and has the concentration span of a 4 year old. But in case he DOES complete this epic bike ride from Edinburgh to Norwich, please can you donate via this website. Anyone from the squad failing to will not recieve a winners/runners-up medal from the County Cup Final. Please click here to donate:

http://www.justgiving.com/kris-lane

Final Score : Hethersett 4 v 3 Bell Inn

(Brown 2, Sadler 1)

SUN RATINGS

Robbie Stone – 6 – Stepped in when no one else would. Goalie top bit tight.

Stu Henning – 7 – Covered lots of ground but left exposed at times.

Richard Donovan – 7 – Many well timed tackles, burst forward well.

Nath Sadler – 6 – Pulled an apparent “10/10” last night, credit where its due.

Baz – 7 – STAR MAN – Out of position at left back, but solid as a rock.

Tom Nicholls – 7 – Very good debut, wore the shirt with pride.

Josh Eyre – 6 – Shocking first half, improved after the break. Inches away from getting a winner.

Ben Spalding – 6 – Brilliant on the ball and fitness is getting back to an acceptable level.

Johnny Holland – 7 – Major threat going forward, unlucky not to score.

Tom Brown – 6 – Two goals but legs gave way after playing 90 minutes twice in a weekend.

Ian Babb – 6 – Threw his dolls out of the pram, improved second half. Goal drought.

Ashman signs off in style

The Bell Inn bounced back from last week’s horror show to beat probably the worst team in Sunday League history.

After smashing Dereham earlier in the season, all the Bell Inn had to do today was simply turn up.

Winger Reece Ashman was handed the captaincy in his last game of the season, as he is set to move to Spain on Wednesday in order to in increase his kill count and potentially catch a different STD every week.

Manager Ian Babb opted for a strong subs bench with himself, Ben Spalding and Johnny Holland taking seats alongside WAGs Kirsty Parker, Carly Leveridge and Helen Smith.

Dereham decided to shoot from kick-off, knowing this would be there best chance of scoring all game. The shot was trickling 10 yards wide but somehow keeper Chris Richmond decided to palm it out for a corner.

It wasn’t long before the Bell Inn took the lead, through a trademark header from Richard Donovan. This was greeted with a chorus of grunts. No one likes him scoring, in fact, no one likes him.

Kris Lane was pulling the strings in ‘the hole’ before scoring a 25 yard screamer. That’s how he would describe it anyway. In reality, it took a huge deflection. Robbie Stone scored an identical goal 10 minutes later.

Just before half time, the experienced father-of-one Chris Sutcliffe got in a tussle with a Dereham player, pushing him twice. Sutcliffe then started walking off the pitch, demanding to be subbed, quoted saying, “I’m not having this on a Sunday morning, this is a joke. Take me off Babb, I’m going home”. He soon calmed down and was persuded to stay on the pitch.

Half Time : Dereham 0 v 3 Bell Inn

Sutcliffe and the ‘un-interested’ Brown, who was still depressed from Arsenal’s defeat yesterday, were subbed at half time for Holland and Spalding.

However, bringing on Holland was deemed as the worst decision in Bell Inn history, as he was simply awful. He started by tripping over, minutes later he studded himself in the arm and then went on to miss 5 glorious chances.

Many local newspapers are questioning whether the winger/striker is actually good enough to play for the Bell Inn. In a recent survey, 78% voted that Holland is released at the end of the season.

A bit of Ashman magic down the left-wing ensured that he left the club he loves in style, as he beat two men and scored from an impossible angle. He was later taken off to a standing ovation from the fans, to which he bowed to. Strange boy.

Spalding scored a 25 yarder with a broken toe, which was quite impressive. And Babb’s made it 6 with the last touch of the game, glancing home a header from a Lane cross. Him and Brown both have 26 goals this season, with latest odds from Coral putting Babb (4/6) favourite to beat Brown (5/4) to the Golden Boot.

As usual though, Josh Eyre ended up as the laughing stock as he fell flat on his face after attempting a triple step-over. It was quite frankly embarrasing and confirmed that the centre midfielder is actually a joke.

Final Score: Dereham 0 v 6 Bell Inn

Donovan, Lane, Stone, Ashman, Spadling, Babb.

SUN RATINGS

Chris Richmond – 6 – Has to put more effort into getting to the game, than actually playing in it.

Stu Henning – 7 – Confirmed that he allows his girlfriend to give out ‘tit-wanks’ to his close friends.

Rich Donovan – 8 – Very solid, coming into form at the right time.

Nath Sadler – 7 – Better than last week, but couldn’t get any worse.

Robbie Stone – 7 – Looked quite funny with his shirt tucked in.

Baz – 7 – Worked hard down the right, linked up well with the front men.

Josh Eyre – 7 – Decent, but the step-over must have ruined his street-cred.

Chris Sutcliffe – 7 – Threw his dummy out of the pram, but recovered.

Reece Ashman – 7 – It will be sad to see him go, the gap needs to be filled.

Kris Lane – 8 – STAR MAN – Flair, skills, shocking hair but scored a good goal.

Tom Brown – 6 – Bit absent but made to look better by Holland’s awful display.

SUBS :

Ben Spalding – 7 – Shame his WAG missed his goal.

Johnny Holland – 0 – First ever zero rating, but words simply can’t describe how bad he was.

Ian Babb – 6 – Probably better with his head than his feet now.

Also, brilliant turn-out from the WAGs and Stamford the dog.

Strikers get blame as Bell Inn lose

The Bell Inn lost their first game for months and it was all Tom Brown and Ian Babb’s fault.

These two players missed chance after chance and were blamed for the defeat to Salhouse.

The rest of the team were brilliant. The defence were really solid all game. The midfield dominated from the start. But strikers Brown and Babb missed over 30 chances each.

This was the view of ex-manager Josh Eyre anyway. And its probably the reason he is ex-manager, with disgraceful views and opinions on the game like this.

He even made a point of telling the club’s sponsers who was to blame for the defeat, as well as the whole of Facebook.

But in all seriousness, it wasn’t a great performance all round. Many players had their worst performances of the season, mainly due to drinking the night before. The pitch was also in a terrible state. Which works against the Bell Inn as they like to actually play football, unlike most teams in this league who seem to adopt the ‘kick-and-run’ approach.

The first half was slightly edged by the Bell Inn, and Brown and Babbs did miss a couple of chances but nothing as woeful as Ronnie Rosenthal. Salhouse scored on the break after poor defending after a corner was cleared up the pitch.

Half Time : Bell Inn 0 v 1 Salhouse

The crumbling started as soon as the second half started. Sloppy goals were being conceded and the Bell Inn stars looked depressed. Brown managed to grab a consulation with a delightful lob after subsitute Kris Lane put him through on goal.

Right back Stu Henning had enough, so subbed himself. Holland moved from the right wing to up front as the Bell Inn tried to comeback into the game, but on the day they simply were not good enough.

Donovan was lucky to escape a red card in the last minute for a karate kick on the Salhouse forward. Luckily, the ref just laughed it off.

Full Time : Bell Inn 1 v 5 Salhouse

(Brown 1)

SUN RATINGS

Cameron Mulley – 5 – Beat at his near post a few times.

Stu Henning – 5 – Had enough after 60 minutes.

Richard Donovan – 6 – Wasn’t actually as bad as a lot of people.

Nath Sadler – 5 – Drinking the night before ruins his football ability.

Robbie Stone – 3 – Anne Frank Road.

Johnny Holland – 5 – Will he ever score a goal again?

George Newberry – 5 – Creative but faded out of the game.

Josh Eyre – 2 – Terrible after match analysis.

Chris Sutcliffe – 4 – Didn’t enjoy being out wide.

Tom Brown – 3 – Great goal but spent more time on the floor.

Ian Babb – 4 – Worked hard but finishing not as clinical as yesterday.

SUBS :

Kris Lane – 6  – Added a bit of life into the team.

Baz – 5 – Looked bright but too little too late.

Luke Sadler – 4 – No time to make any impact.

WAG:

Kirsty Parker – 7 – STAR WOMAN – Just by sitting by the side of the pitch was a better performance than everyone else.

Today was quite simply the Bell Inn’s worst performance of the season. I apoligise to anyone who came to watch.

Cup Final date announced, along with drinking odds.

The Bell Inn were handed the date and venue of the Junior County Cup Final today, via an Ian Babb text.

At around 1.30pm, members of the squad jumped out of their seats at work when Sunday 17th of April was declared as the date of the cup final.

Many members of the squad have since said this is the biggest day of their lives, some even naming the Sunday as “Judgement Day” and “Hell in the Cell”.

The venue was confirmed as Fakenham, which is a bit of a trek for a Sunday morning, but a huge crowd is expected.

The major talking point of the day has been regarding what the squad will do the Saturday night. Rumours have it that the squad will stay in and have a quiet one, but can these stars, who have made a living this season on playing hungover, really manage this?

As a result, local bookmakers have set odds on each member of the squad on ‘whether they will go out and drink the night before”. Current odds can be seen below:

Richard Donovan – 1/4 (fav) – many fear the alcoholic will fail to stay off the jagerbombs on a Saturday night.

Kris Lane – 2/5 – the ring-leader will be trying his best to make sure the team are a state come Sunday morning.

Josh Eyre – 1/2 – photographers will be waiting outside Optic at 2am for the cart-horse.

Reece Ashman – 8/11 – guarenteed to be hammered, by probably on a Spanish beach.

Tom Brown – 1/1 – will lock himself in the bathroom and turn off his phone to prevent Lane from getting in contact.

Robbie Stone – 1/1 – can he really resist a night out in Dereham?

Johnny Holland – 5/2 – easily influenced, anything could happen with Holland.

Ian Babb – 4/1 – the manager MUST set an example and stay in.

Liam Ward – 5/1 – a fierce gambling addiction means the full-back wont be able to afford a night out anyway.

Chris Richmond – 5/1 – the goalkeeper will consider staying sober in what will be his busiest game of the season.

Paul Munday – 8/1 – Will be back for the weekend and very tempted by a night out in Norwich.

Mark Donovan – 8/1 – As above.

Nath Sadler – 12/1 – as captain, has a duty to stay in and make sure the rest of the squad do.

Ben Spalding – 14/1 – tucked up with WAG Leveridge and their pet rat looks likely.

Chris Sutcliffe – 14/1 – good value here at 14/1, many punters been piling on this price.

Stu Henning – 22/1 – a night in front of the TV with WAG Parker is expected.

George Newberry – 33/1 – isn’t old enough to buy alcohol but has been caught stealing WKD’s from One Stop before.

Baz – 40/1 – more than likely to be working Saturday night, so losing his job doesn’t appeal.

It is hoped that none of the squad touch a drop of alcohol this weekend, any player to do so is expected to be disciplined on the day.

Also, it is recommended that everyone who can takes the Monday 18th April off work as the team are looking to have a night out on the Sunday, hopefully celebrating a Cup Final win.