Simpson edges closer to The Bell Inn

Number one target Dale Simpson has now emerged as an odds-on favourite to join the Bell Inn, after his current club folded yesterday afternoon.

Poringland Wanderers, formerly of the Premier Division, called it a day just a month into the season after Danny Bland started the trend by leaving the club for the Bell Inn.

Simpson, 21, is the current holder of Players Player of the Year for Saturday club Mulbarton Wanderers and is arguably the best player at the club.

However, his Sunday form hasn’t been as great with a move to the Bell Inn looking likely, as the attacking midfield looks to resurrect his Sunday League career.

It was in fact Bland himself who spread the good news, texting club journalist/model/star striker Brown to inform him of Poringland’s mishap. Brown went on to call club scout Richard Donovan and manager Ian Babb.

Brown also called Simpson to offer him a place at the greatest Sunday club in Norfolk. As did Donovan, shortly after.

Simpson, who was in his car with Joe Pattison listening to a Laidback Luke remix, all but confirmed his interest. Talks of a contract are set to be discussed at Blands birthday party this weekend.

Text’s from Pattison also revealed that himself, Jack Tarrant, Adam Brown and Josh Farrow are also interested in a move.

Manager Babb was clearly delighted with the news, describing Poringland’s distinction in a way only Ian Holloway would think of.

“I think that we all knew this day was coming. A little like having your dog put down at the vets. You know when you put him in there, eventually you’ll have a call saying he is no more.”

He continued, “The Bell Inn are like a new kitten and some of the Poringland players may just help us to purr”.

Clearly in a funny mood, Babb continued with his ‘humour’ when asked who he would be interested bringing to the Bell Inn from the free transfer market.

“Although I list Sir Arsene Wenger as my managerial mentor, rather than take his stance of not mentioning the names of transfer targets, I will take a more Barcelona-type approach .”

“I want Dale Simpson and will not rest until I have secured his signature.”, demands Babb, whilst spilling his cup of tea down his over-worn grey track suit bottoms.

“I would also like to add the considerable talents of Joe Pattison to the squad. Although I am aware that he is currently on a drugs ban until November”.

The gaffa went on to describe Simpson as a player with an ‘excellent touch’, ‘exceptional work rate’ and ‘great at tracking back’.

He continued, “We have established a Bergkamp/Henry type partnership in Saturday football and would love to see this connection grown further on Sunday’s, especially with the prolific Brown in the mix too”.

It is rumoured that a new 3-5-2 formation is in the pipeline IF Simpson agrees to join.

Sources spreading around Norfolk sound as if Simpson WILL join as he wants to play with his mates. These include Bland, aka Trumpet Boy, who he used to follow around and idolize in his youth.

Donovan, who he also looks up to and treats as a father figure who gives him guidance both on the pitch and down the pub.

Josh Eyre, who surprising Simpson admires greatly even tho ‘the giant’ can only header the ball.

And finally the manager himself. As Babb says himself, via text message;

“Dale looks up to me on the pitch and the way in which I conduct myself with dignity and professionalism at all times. Especially when my team are losing”. Last time the Bell Inn were losing, Babb flew in two-footed at an opponent with the intention of breaking his leg.

Hopefully the Mulbarton boy will join his childhood heroes and sign for the Bell Inn. Rumours are flying around about midfielder Jack Tarrant, who apparently is also interested in a move.

Adam Brown, who claims to be ‘too good for non-senior football’ has also shown a bit of interest, but may not consider dropping down to play in what he describes as ‘the worst Sunday league in England’.

Joe Pattison, although currently serving a ban, is set to make his ‘secret debut’ next weekend and will probably join once his ban ends in November.

Finally, Josh Farrow, who I have personally granted as ‘the only footballer on par with me in Norfolk’, may also make a shock transfer.

The future is looking good. By 2015, the Bell Inn will be champions of the Evening News Sunday Premier Division. Fact.

In other news, manager Babb has made an enquiry over signing Man City misfit Carlos Tevez. However, when the Argentine was told he will be fourth in the pecking order behind Babb, Brown and Kris Lane, he turned down the move.

And finally, The Bell Inn have made a £3.5 million bid for Jack Wilshere’s one-day old baby boy, Archie. If he signs, he will probably go straight into the starting 11 ahead of Neil ‘Bean’ Anderson.

Regards,

Tom ‘I cannot wait until we play One Love United again. No reason why. At all.” Brown.

Deaf FC silence Bell Inn

The Bell Inn put in their worst second half performance in their short history, losing a game against a team with no ears.

Too add to the embarrassment, two members of the Bell Inn Firm were named as subs. Yes, this is true. Rob Bingham and Ben Hall. Can these two planks play football? No. All they are good at is drinking. But they looked lovely in the kit.

DEFC, nicknamed Deaf FC due to a number of their players being deaf, struggled to cope with a lethal Bell Inn attack early doors.

But despite being 3-0 up with 60 minutes to play, the Bell Inn threw it away and lost 5-3.

Good-looking striker Tom Brown, who covered more ground in this game than he did for the whole of last season, started the scoring with a simply brilliant goal.

Picking the ball up from 40 yards, Brown dribbled forward at pace and smashed a left foot curling shot into the top corner. Not being arrogant, but it was probably one of the greatest goals I have ever seen. Even his biggest critic Robbie Stone congratulated him on the ‘wonder strike’.

Neil ‘Bean’ Anderson, who is usually terrible, even played well. He was whipping in David Beckham like balls into the box at every opportunity.

The second goal came shortly after as winger Reece Ashman bombed down the left wing and crossed into a deaf man’s chest. The ball ended up in the back of the net. Ashman tried to claim the goal but the defender couldn’t hear him.

Then came the third. And this one was unrealistic due to it being created by misfit Bean. Richard Donovan’s precise through ball found Bean, who kept cool, calm and collected to square to Ian Babb who tapped into an empty net.

On looking Scousers Chris and Liam Sutcliffe couldn’t believe their eyes as the Bell Inn went in at half time 3-0 up.

Half time : Bell Inn 3 v 0 DEFC

I am not going to report on the second half. It all went wrong. Josh Eyre got injured, as did Stu Henning. Babb also got angry and lunged in two-footed at a defender. Should have been sent off.

Final Score : Bell Inn 3 v 5 DEFC.

(Brown, Babb, OG)

Very disappointing result for the Bell Inn, who were in complete control of this match. How they lost it is simply unacceptable. No one played particularly badly, but as a team it was a shambles. If we are to get promoted from this league, we cannot afford to let leads like this slip.

On a positive note, Bingham and Hall made impressive debuts. Bingham played for 30 seconds and didn’t have a touch. Hall played for 20 minutes and also didn’t have a touch. But it made their day. Their week. Their month. Now they have signed on, they must expect a call up most weeks.

SUN RATINGS

C. Richmond – 6 – Left exposed by some shocking defending.

S. Henning – 7 – Brilliant first half, broken back meant his second half performance wasn’t as great.

R. Donovan – 7 – For the first time in his life, showed some emotion for Sunday football and genuinely looked upset as the Bell Inn crumbled.

R. Stone – 8 – Solid for most of the game but really needs to sort out his hair. When not gelled, looks like a bowl cut.

L. Ward – 7 – Gave me a lift to the game, appreciated.

N. Anderson – 8 – Won’t play this well again all season. It is downhill from now on.

B. Spalding – 8 – Almost scored a bicycle kick in the dying minutes.

J. Eyre – 7 – Crippled. Looked even more ‘un-technical’ than normal.

R. Ashman – 7 – Superb first half, faded in the second.

T. Brown – 9 – I dominated. My goal was brilliant. My boots are orange.

I. Babb – 7 – I don’t think he likes losing very much.

SUBS

B. Hall – 1 – Awful

R. Bingham – 10 – STAR MAN – Brilliant performance. Hopefully he can play every week.

I feel sick due to eating a one day-old Pizza Hut takeaway pizza so need to stop writing before I throw up.

Regards,

Tom ‘gets the ball and scores a goal, Andy Andy Cole” Brown.

Hungover Bell Inn lose

The Bell Inn were knocked out of the County Cup at the first hurdle, after a 4-1 home defeat to Sprowston Sunday.

The majority of the squad were hungover or still drunk due to abnormally excessive drinking the night before, to celebrate the club’s all time greatest player’s birthday.

Brown himself was an utter disgrace. Despite being stiched up all night with silly drinks, including the dreaded Chilli Shot, the striker made it out of bed and started. His contact lense was also broken which meant he had to play with one eye closed.

Other stars Josh Eyre, Ian Babb, Richard Donovan, Neil Anderson, Danny Bland and Robbie Stone were also nursing hangover’s.

The game started in the usual fashion, with The Bell Inn going 1-0 down early on. But bounced back.

Brown chipped a ball through to 100m sprint specialist Babb, who scored despite a double deflection. Babb later went on the claim the goal. Debatable, but he is the manager.

Sprowston Sunday were having the better of things as keeper Chris Richmond made a few important saves. Rich Donovan was a rock at the back and even made Robbie Stone look half decent for once.

Eyre, who was sweating even more today due to his hangover and the weather, managed to fall over the ball whilst 10 yards away from any player. As a result, he pulled his groin. Eyre always looks a lot funnier falling over than anyone else due to his height. And his complete lack of ability to dribble with the ball.

Half Time : Bell Inn 1 v 1 Sprowston Sunday.

Half time saw a number of arguments. Stone was getting abuse for moaning at his team mates. As a result, Babb kicked a water bottle and Brown chucked the captain’s armband at him, giving up the captainancy after just 45 minutes into it.

However, a few nice words were said and the Bell Inn went out for the second half smiling.

The yellow’s took complete control of the second half despite not creating many chances. Luke Sadler came on, as did his mate. Bean went off, to everyone’s relief.

Frankly, it is embarrasing having Bean in the starting 11. I have played for and against many teams and I honestly can say that he is not good enough to start of any of them. I have beaten teams 20-0 before, but still the opposition have 11 players better than Bean. It is not his fault, some people are just not very good at football. But this clown really does take the piss.

Bean also brought oranges to the game. He was so happy with his purchase, he put a picture of them on Facebook on Friday. However, he turned up with them oddly cut, almost making them impossible to eat.

Chances went begging for the Bell Inn but then the usual occured. Liam Ward got sent off.

With the goalkeeper beaten, Ward made a great save on the goal line and then realised that he wasn’t out goalkeeper. Despite Babb’s crying, Ward was shown a straight red. Sprowston scored the penalty and that was that.

They scored two more goals to advance to the next round.

Final Score : Bell Inn 1 v 4 Sprowston Sunday

(Babb)

SUN RATINGS:

C. Richmond – 8 – Kept busy, made some cracking saves.

S. Henning – 6 – Back injury made it hard for him, eventually forced off.

R. Donovan – 9 – Lost 12-0 to Brown at table tennis on Friday night.

R. Stone – 8 – I will be nice to you if you play well Robbie. Well done.

L. Ward – 6 – Great save.

N. Anderson – 7 – Didn’t do much wrong apart from a few ridiculous fancy flicks. Very camp.

B. Spalding – 9 – STAR MAN – Unlucky to be on the losing side.

J. Eyre – 7 – Looks like a horse.

D. Bland – 7 – Should stop getting drunk with us. Worried we are having the same affect on him as we did on Sadler and Holland.

T. Brown – 4 – I was shit.

I. Babb – 8 – Spent 2 hours trying to convince the referee that Ward didn’t use his hand.

SUBS :

L. Sadler – 8 – Very impressive at left back.

L. Sadler’s mate – 7 – Also impressive.

In other news…

Thanks for everyone who attended Saturday night. I had a quality time despite not remember a lot of it.

Regards

Tom ‘Forget my performance on Sunday, I scored 4 goals on Saturday. I am still good at football” Brown.

Bland debut brings Bell Inn victory

Long time target Danny Bland capped his long awaited Bell Inn debut this morning with a superb display, as the Bell Inn ran out easy 6-2 winners.

Bland, 22, who spent Friday evening in Project with a few of the squad, assisted two goals and even got away with wearing two ear rings all match.

With youth team product Cameron Mulley going AWOL, the Bell Inn went with only 13 players and again this included Neil ‘Bean’ Anderson. Many of the Bell Inn fans were heard shouting from the touch line, ‘can’t you just quit’ at Bean when he came off the bench. Hopefully he will take this on board and join a club a bit lower down the divisions, where he belongs.

Ian Babb put the away side 1-0 after great work from Bland. More great work from Bland, this time from a corner kick, set up Robbie Stone to make it 2.

I am not sure what was wrong with Stone today, he had a nightmare. He was struggling to move, gifted the opposition a hatful of chances and looked simply ridiculous in the ‘rarely worn’ away strip. His top was too tight, his shorts were from the children’s section at JJB Sports and due to not waxing his hair, he was sporting a strange looking bowl cut.

Babb scored his second after an extremely rare header by Tom Brown but somehow Gordon managed to pull one back.

HALF TIME : Gordon 1 v 3 Bell Inn

Within seconds of the restart, ‘hogger’ Richard Donovan tried to clear the ball and winded Ben Spalding. Many onlookers thought Spalding had been shot. However, he got up and carried on.

Talking about Spalding, another activity that everyone seems to love being part of now is throw ins. It is usual for a number of players to want to take attacking free kicks and penalties, but now throw ins seem to have become everyone’s favourite thing to do. At one point in the game, the Bell Inn had 5 players all wanting to take the same throw. Stu Henning, Bean, Brown, Spalding and Liam Ward were all extremely keen but Spalding managed to grab the ball and take it. Maybe his tatoo’s scared people off.

Brown came to life in the second half and scored two goals. One being a tidy finish from a Spalding free kick. Another being an open goal from a great bit of work from Babb.

Babb also sealed his hat trick with a great finish.

However, there was still time for Paul Munday to look like a complete retard. Munday, who comes back from his hometown very occasionally, came on at left back for 35 minutes and looked solid.

That was until a football from another pitch landed near him. Instead of clearing our ball, he fell over the other ball, gave away possession and conceded a goal. It wasn’t great. But it was funny and I am glad it happened.

FINAL SCORE : Gordon 2 v 6 Bell Inn

(Babb 3, Brown 2, Stone)

SUN RATINGS

C. Richmond – 7 – Must be so bored in some of our games.

S. Henning – 7 – Defended better today, long balls suffered with horrendous gale force winds.

R. Donovan – 8 – Tried to take on their whole team. Wouldn’t pass. Good defensively though.

R. Stone – 5 – If Stone doesn’t agree that he was poor, he is deluded.

L. Ward – 7 – Still hasn’t two footed anyone this season. Turned into a bit of a wimp. Needs to man up.

R. Ashman – 9 – Brilliant, improved his game over the summer.

J. Eyre – 7 – Failed to win headers, which is what he is good at. Wind made it hard, but still he was a foot taller than his markers.

B. Spalding – 9 – Ran the show.

D. Bland – 8 – Superb debut. Massive signing. Big things expected.

T. Brown – 8 – Two goals a game. Standard. Has the nicest boots in the squad.

I. Babb – 9 – STAR MAN – Unplayable when on this type of form. Pace kills. And has improved his finishing too.

SUBS :

P. Munday – 7 – Looked solid until error.

N. Anderson – 7 – Takes corners both footed. Talented.

Excuses for the blog today, it isn’t great but I can’t be bothered to do it. I am tired and still annoyed with Donovan and Eyre last night. Don’t ever play poker with them. They are clueless idiots.

The Bell Inn are 2nd in the table. One team has an 100% record, we are best of the rest. We are proving that we are the Sunday team everyone wants to play for. The futures bright, our kit is orange. Clever. Cheers.

Regards,

Tom ‘Ruud Van Nistelrooy never scored from outside the box and is one of the Premiership’s best ever strikers….” Brown.

FINAL SCORE : Gordon 2 v 6 Bell Inn

The Bell Inn 3 v 3 Briston Wanderers

Newly promoted Bell Inn started their 2nd season off against fellow promotion friends Briston. More importantly, they started the season off with hardly any hangovers.

Briston won Divison 4B last year with the Bell Inn coming 4th and winning the playoffs. Last season saw Briston spank the Bell Inn twice.

A late call off by academy graduate Cameron Mulley meant only two subs were present and one of them was Neil ‘Bean’ Anderson, which hardly counts.

Bean and Sam Wyer were making their league debuts for the club. Wyer, at just 17, is the club’s youngest player and has lots of naked pictures of girls on his phone.

There were a few other notable changes from last season. One being Kris Lane’s new ‘alice band’. Over the last few months his hair has grown out of control. Instead of having it cut, which is what he should do, he donned an alice band and looked like a nob.

Also, midfielder Ben Spalding looks slimmer and can actually last 90 minutes. Although if he spent less time shouting to the strikers ‘challenge for the ball’, he may be able to conserve even more energy.

Briston took an early lead, like most teams do against the Bell Inn. It was poor defending. But even worst defending allowed the Bell Inn to strike back, with a perfect looping header from Tom Brown.Typically, Mulbarton scout Matty Dye turned up seconds after the goal, meaning he missed it.

Josh Eyre, who sweats from just getting changed, hit the bar twice in succession from a Brown corner, as Ian Babb and Lane also went close towards the end of the half.

Half Time: Bell Inn 1 v 1 Briston Wanderers

The Bell Inn were confident of winning the game in the second half and won a penalty after 55 minutes after an outrageous dive from Eyre. He was fouled, but went to ground, screeching, 6 seconds after being touched.

The reliable Stu Henning, who has scored his last 74 penalties, stepped up and well, passed it to the goalkeeper. It wasn’t great, he knows that. He went on to blame Brown, who apparently put him off by mocking him before he took it.

Straight from the save, Briston scored. Then 5 minutes later they scored again as their smallest player beat two of our defenders in the air and nodded in.

Babb started to rage. Complaining about decisions, swearing at players etc. He also kicked out at a player off the ball. Luckily the ref missed it.

Robbie Stone and Bean came off the bench as the Bell Inn went all out attack.

They were rewarded after a smart move involving Bean and Lane resulted in Reece Ashman smashing it in from twenty yards. It was probably the Bell Inn’s best ever goal. Which isn’t a great achievements as most are tap ins or long balls over the top to Babb, which he scuffs and they somehow end up going in, due to the awful standard of goalkeeping in the league.

There was no way Briston were going to score again. Richard Donovan, who took the captains armband for the first time, played the 90 minutes in defence with two broken legs. He battled like a war hero. Left back Liam Ward also continued from last week’s friendly and put in another excellent performance.

The Bell Inn piled on the pressure and with only a few minutes left, clever work from Babb forced an equaliser. It was one of his better finishes.

Despite another late surge, the game ended in a draw. Which was good. An improvement from last season. Everyone worked hard, some harder than others. All in all, it was a good result. Any result is good when you have Bean on your team. If you have never seen him play, you should. He is shocking.

Final Score : Bell Inn 3 v 3 Briston Wanderers.

(Brown, Ashman, Babb)

SUN DREAM TEAM RATINGS

C. Richmond – 7 – Not much chance for any of the goals.

S. Henning – 7 – Great delivery from set pieces, shocking penalty.

R. Donovan – 9 – Rock at the back.

S. Wyer – 7 – Spent the 90 minutes wanting to check his twitter account.

L. Ward – 8 – Has improved dramatically. Can’t work out how.

K. Lane – 7 – You can’t be taken seriously with hair like that.

J. Eyre – 9 – STAR MAN – Hate to say it, and will never say it again, but he was our best player.

B. Spalding – 9 – Close call with Eyre for Man of the Match. Building up a good partnership with each other.

R. Ashman – 8 – Brilliant goal. Constant threat all game with his pace.

T. Brown – 7 – No comment. Scored. As usual.

I. Babb – 7 – Shit for 70 minutes, superb for the last 20. Came to life when it mattered.

SUBS

R. Stone – 7 – Fine example of a step-dad to his children.

N. Anderson  – 7 – Came on at 3-1 down. ‘Changed the game’ according to himself. Has a point? No. Made no difference whatsoever.

OTHERS IN ATTENDANCE

K. Parker – 8 – Looked tired but still attractive.

C. Mulley – 7 – Chain-smoked.

M. Dye – 8 – Scouting Spalding as a possible replacement for himself at Mulbarton.

I. Robinson – 6 – Spent more time on the kids park.

Mr. Donovan – 8 – Our greatest fan, nice to see he has renewed his season ticket.

M. Donovan – 3 – Refused to play. Bell Inn days may be over.

Phil – 10 – Celebrated the equaliser by jumping up and down with his hands in the air.

7th in the table. Big game away at Gordon PH next week. Crucial the Bell Inn pick up all three points. As staying in this league is not an option. Promotion is a must. Promotion also means we can kick out our weak links such as Bean.

Regards,

Tom ‘Anyone can win headers in midfield, but only great players can score headers.” Brown.