Bell Inn Fixture List 2011/2012

The fixture list for this season has been announced and as expected, the Bell Inn go into the season as 1/3 favourites for the title. The first game of the season has already been labelled a six-pointer, as the Bell Inn come up against last season’s 4B champions Briston.

Fans are advised to make the long trip to One Love United on the 4th March as they have a firm, a big black firm of about 30. Rob Bingham and co will be required that day, preferably not hungover.

Also, transfer listed striker Tom Brown is strongly tipped to join Premier side Unicorn, whose reserve side face the Bell Inn on the 4th of December and the club’s last game of the season on the 11th of March. Brown will probably be dropped down to the reserve side by then.

Early Odds for the title :

1/3 – Bell Inn

2/1 – Unicorn Reserves (with Brown)

3/1 – One Love United/Briston

8/1 – AFC Oak

66/1 – Unicorn Reserves (without Brown)

– Others available on request

FULL FIXTURE LIST

4TH SEPT – Briston Wanderers (H)

11TH SEPT – Gordon PH (A)

18TH SEPT – CUP

25THE SEPT – Def FC (H)

2ND OCT – AFC Oak (A)

9TH OCT – Salhouse (A)

16TH OCT – CUP

23RD OCT – Aylsham Reserves (H)

30TH OCT – Eaton Beehive (A)

6TH NOV – Taverham United (H)

13TH NOV – Freethorpe (A)

20TH NOV – CUP

27TH NOV – One Love United (H)

4TH DEC – Unicorn Reserves (A)

11TH DEC – CUP

18TH DEC – Briston Wanderers (A)

CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR BREAK

8TH JAN – Gordon PH (H) or CUP

15TH JAN – Def FC (A)

22ND JAN – AFC Oak (H)

29TH JAN – Salhouse (H)

5TH FEB – Aylsham Reserves (A)

12TH FEB – Eaton Beehive (H)

19TH FEB – Taverham United (A) or CUP

26TH FEB – Freethorpe (H)

4TH MAR – One Love United (A)

11TH MAR – Unicorn Reserves (H)

18TH MAR – COUNTY CUP FINAL (Bell Inn v ?????)

Big clubs pile in for Brown

Bell Inn frontman Tom Brown has been swamped with offers over the weekend after a transfer request found its way onto the official league website.

Brown, 24, has netted 27 goals this season after a 4 year absence from football. These stats have alerted a number of teams in the higher reaches of the Norfolk Sunday Football League, included that of Unicorns and Vale Longo. Both have put in offers in the excess of £750,000.

Most pundits were suprised when the striker joined the Bell Inn, as he is clearly ‘too good’ for this division but Brown wanted to play with his friends and gain promotion. Now achieved, it is rumoured that being subsituted after 60 minutes in the County Cup Final defeat was too much to take. A transfer request was handed in shortly after. See below.

http://www.norwichsundayleague.co.uk/content/view/145/2/

In recent days, both Unicorns and Vale Longo have contacted the striker via email. Unicorns came second in Divison 1B last season and will enter the Premier Divison for the first time in their history in August. Vale Longo are a solid, mid table Divison 1A side, hoping that with the addition of Brown, can push for automatic promotion next season.

The email from the Unicorns manager included, ” My biggest need is for a new keeper, which i believe has been resolved, and for a goalscorer to take some of the chances we create”. As all football fans know, this is exactly what Brown is. Vale Longo invited him to their annual AGM meeting this coming Friday.

Once described as “the best player in Norfolk”, Brown has a big decision on his hands here. Does he really want to put up with another season playing in the same team as retards such as Josh Eyre or will he kick on and push ever closer to his dream of becoming a professional footballer?

Already, Eyre has offered to pay Brown’s rent for the next 2 years and manager/other housemate Ian Babb’s has promised the striker £25 a game if he signs a new contract.

Even though he failed to recieve a vote for Players Player of the Season last term, Brown has almost single handedly won promotion for the Bell Inn. Three hat-tricks, endless assists from set pieces and also a 35 yard free kick have been the highlights of the striker’s season. Low points include two penalty misses, being sick in car parks before games and covering less ground than both goalkeepers on certain occasions.

Last night, fans were in their hundreds outside Treasurer Stu Hennings house with banners stating “Keep Tom Brown” and “Lose Brown, Lose Us”. Eventually Henning called the police and the Bell Inn faithful marched home, burning their club shirts and leaving them on his driveway.

One man who is urging for Brown to be sold is fellow-striker Kris Lane. The 26 year old, who struggles to fit the club shirt over his stomach, is hoping for more of a run out this season and may see Brown leaving as a prime oppotunity to improve on his woeful 3 goals from last season.

Whether Brown leaves or not is undecided. As the club’s dedicated journalist, he is quite simply irreplaceable, both on and off the pitch. Everyone knows he is far too good for the Bell Inn but he may opt to stay loyal and continue their rise up the leagues, which quite simply will not happen without him at the club.

In other news, Josh Eyre has been doing weights but then eating Indian’s straight after which makes doing the weights pointless. Richard Donovan has calmed down with his drinking after his fall into a thorn bush. Nathan Sadler had a night out and failed to pull. Sadly, Johnny Holland couldnt follow suit and smashed the granny out of some poor little fresher.

Ian Babb’s picked up top goalscorer for Mulbarton for the third year in succession and Chris Sutcliffe pipped Tom Brown to the Manager’s Player of the Year award. Brown however did walked away with a bottle of wine, for being the best trainer.

Robbie Stone has been spotted on Facebook wearing a kilt, ruining his reputation even more and Chris Richmond continues to update his Facebook status every hour of each day.

Friendlies to be announced shortly. Chairman Babb is attending the start of season AGM tonight and information will be posted on this website as and when.

Regards,

Tom ‘good job I am not arrogant else I could have bigged myself up in this article’ Brown

Bell Inn close door on Harvey

Goalkeeper Tom Harvey was told earlier today to forget joining the Bell Inn as they do not require his services.

The twenty-three year old, who has a body more suited to a sumo-wrestler, has been trying to get a contract at the Bell Inn for 6 months.

However, it was confirmed this morning that the ex-Ipswich academy star will have to look elsewhere.

Harvey, who has plied his trade for Mulbarton Wanderers for the last few years, has retired from Saturday football due to weight problems. He struggled to keep up with the pace, even in goal, and did the club a big favour by announcing he will not play again. Fans and players of Mulbarton celebrated in the streets for hours once this was made official.

The former goalkeeper has spent much of the last year on Facebook, trying to rinse fellow team-mates. But his comments are always laughed at and his banter is quite simply awful. An example from yesterday follows….

Tom Brown : Harvey, you are dead wood.

Tom Harvey : Better than being rotten wood like you 😉

Even though this comment was ‘liked’ by ex Bell Inn reject Johnny Holland, it has gone down with fellow peers as one of the most shocking comebacks of all time.

When younger, Harvey was a good goalkeeper. He spent years at both Cambridge United and Ipswich Town academy before being released. Although he fails to tell the press the reason why he was dropped, strong rumours from reliable sources say it was due to his weight.

Harvey had set his sights on joining the Bell Inn, after coming to watch their game away at One Love United last season. He described himself earlier as ‘Jose Mourinho style quality, arrogance but class’.

During a text conversation with club journalist Brown earlier today, the former, slimmer goalkeeper muttererd,

“I would have to play centre back as my pace would help deal with Donovan’s lack of concentration. I am looking forward to playing with Josh Eyre as he is a goal machine and Tom Brown as he will make me look even better, due to his poor fitness and lack of footballing ability”.

It is comments like this that makes Harvey not welcome at the club. The club has a good atmosphere surrounding it and by inviting the goalkeeper to join, not only would they need to purchase a much larger keeper’s jersey, but it was cause chaos and probably start a mass walk out of some key players.

Later on, he went on to describe himself as Gary Pallister like.

With such interest at the Bell Inn now, players from far and wide are trying to join. Harvey has been the first to be turned down. There may be more. Decisions over defenders Luke Sadler and Danny Moore are to be made shortly, as is the potentially signing of James Balicki.

But for now, all fans and players can take a huge sigh of relief. This is confirmation that Tom Harvey, known as the over-weight joke who has worse banter than a slug and carries more weight than a cattle market, will not be signing for the Bell Inn.

Thank fuck.

Regards,

Tom “scored 27 goals without ever even being in the box for a corner cos he takes them” Brown

Former Trumpet boy signs for Bell Inn

The Bell Inn made their 3rd signing of the summer yesterday, bringing a former trumpet specialist to the club.

Danny Bland, 22, from Mulbarton, signed on the dotted line Sunday afternoon after almost a year of negotiations with chief scout Richard Donovan.

The left sided player, who like many of the squad plays for Mulbarton Wanderers on a Saturday, has dropped down THREE divisons to join the most famous Sunday side in Norfolk. Although a shock to his former club Poringland and many others, Bland feels he has made the right move.

“I have dropped down a few leagues as  I see the potential the Bell Inn has. They are an up and coming club and it will be a pleasure to play with the likes of Tom Brown, Ian Babb and Josh Eyre”, said Bland, via text message to club journalist Brown.

However, like several others, the Otter Drive habitant has one major concern.

“Richard Donovan. He will hopefully be great to team up with again but his recent alcohol problems have turned him into an awful player as well as an awful man. Hopefully he can sort his life out”.

Bland is well known in and around Mulbarton for playing the trumpet at school. Whilst at Mulbarton First and Middle, as well as Hethersett High, he could be seen in the music room at lunch times playing his trumpet. This continued when he got home from school, with many neighbours complaining about the noise he made until the early hours of most mornings, with onlookers saying it sounded worse than a foghorn.

At this time, Bland wasn’t very good at football. He found himself subsitute for his Mulbarton Youth team and ended his youth career with just 6 goals in 253 appearances; four of these were deflections.

However, the turning point in his life came with he retired from playing his beloved musical instrument and concentrated on his football career.

Since then, Bland has made himself a regular in the Mulbarton Wanderers Saturday side and plied his trade on Sunday’s in the Premier Divison with Poringland.

“I am a vertisle player who can play left back, left wing and even right wing. I hope to feed the strikers for the Bell Inn as I know they have great ability if given the service. It will be a pleasure to play for the club. And I can’t wait for every Saturday night out with the squad on the piss, that has to be the biggest attraction.”

The one major concern the club has with Bland is his intelligence. During the interview, the former Hethersett High pupil made several spelling mistakes and it didn’t go down particually well with the rest of the squad. Words such as pleasure was spelt as ‘pleshore’, hopefully as ‘hoopfully’ and potential as ‘potencial’.

As widely recognised throughout Norfolk, the Bell Inn consists of some very educated players. Brown has a degree in Sports Journalism, Paul Munday is a doctor, Nathan Sadler and Johnny Holland both have a degree in Michael Buble studies and Kris Lane practically owns Xara.

It is thought Bland will ‘hang around with’ the slightly dumber players in the squad, like Josh Eyre and Robbie Stone.

This is the Bell Inn’s third signing, all endorsed by Donovan, and a big interview with the man himself will be online some time next week. Also look out for a fourth signing later on this week, as a sibling of a current Bell Inn star is set to sign a contract.

Thanks for reading, on a personal level I’m currently at the peak of being too unfit to ever kick a ball again. I’ve been struggling to even walk up the stairs without sweating. I kicked a ball for the first time a few days ago, it wasn’t pretty. But by August I will be back and hoping to improve on my extremly impressive but unappriciated 27 goals from last term.

Regards,

Tom “people say I don’t put any effort in but I still score 27 goals in a season. Imagine if I actually tried. I would be unplayable” Brown.