Rise of Bel Inn/ Demise of Brown?

Confidence has been restored around Barnham broom as The Bel Inn registered a 3rd consecutive win! This has left many people asking what has changed?

Perhaps the most significant factor has been the absence of the self proclaimed ‘king’ – Tom Brown. Brown, who scored an impressive 27 goals last season, continues to have to rely on this fact. He has struggled to adapt to the fast paced and physical nature of 3B and finds himself out of depth at this level. Brown has fallen down the pecking order and most embarrassingly now finds himself being overlooked in preference of Neil ”Bean” Anderson. Finding yourself overlooked for those with greater technical ability and footballing flare is something, namely in Babb, Simpson and Lane. However, to be dropped for someone of Beans ability is perhaps the lowest point in anyone’s football career and Brown must question whether it is time to call it a day?

Brown has responded to recent criticism stating that ”I may actually try from now on” This has never been seen by his Bel Inn team mates and if he does try (debatable) could see a return to the starting 11.

The emergence of the defensive partnership of Donovan and Spalding, drawing comparisons with ‘Bruce and Pallister. Following the departure of Nathan Sadler this season, who refuses to make the short journey from Dubai each weekend, gapping holes had emerged at the back. With the Bel Inn conceding on average 5 goals a game… which doesn’t help. However, Spaldings addition to the back four has sured up the defence and suits his game as he refused to get past the half way line even when playing in midfield.

Stu Henning has finished the last 3 games with muddy knees showing that he can tackle. This has however caused significant distress for the right back and has resulted in him having to be substituted twice to get wet wipes from miss parker.

The new signings have arguably been the biggest difference (except for Brown not playing) with Bland, Simpson, Saggy and Tarrant all joining from Poringland. This has made a massive difference to the team and has allowed Josh Eyre to do what he does best…score goals!

Thinking about it the most telling factor has been handing the captains armband to Donovan who maintains a 100% record in losing the coin toss but also coincides with the re emergence of the Bel Inn (as does Tom Brown not playing)

Richard ”inspiring leader” Donovan

Dazzling Dale Debut Marred by Bean Injury

An inspiring debut from Dale Simpson helped The Bell Inn cruise to victory with a 6-2 romp over Aylsham Sunday Res.

There was a sense of positivity around the Barnham Broom Playing Field prior to kick off as Tom Brown failed to turn up. The striker, 25, reported to be at one of the lowest points of his career was rumoured to be out until the early hours of the morning ‘in search of a fresher’. In a later interview Brown released a statement via Facebook chat stating “i fort i was gonna die earlier. I got into bed at 4pm and deleted all my messages etc off my fone in case i died and didnt want ppl to see them”. Not only is Brown grammatically retarded, he is simply a joke.

Aylsham made several changes to the side that lost 3-2 last week. It’s believed half of their squad were grounded, for failing to complete their homework. The Bell Inn saw a return for Jonny Holland, who replaced absent Ashman and Simpson in for Balicki, who was allegedly arrested the night before for grooming a minor.

The Bell Inn got off to a great start with their best player, Neil ‘Bean’ Anderson whipping in an early corner, to be nodded down by Donovan and Babb knocked the ball over the line. They were soon 2 up after a great run down the right from player/manager Babb to cross for Simpson to finish. Aylsham soon pulled one back from possibly the worst ever cross, which somehow managed to catch Richmond out and go in the back of the net. Richmond was probably dazzled by his new purple jersey which he was so excited about before the game, he even went to the extent of getting his name printed on the back in lower case.

There was real concern around the ground 10 minutes in when Bean had to be stretchered off due to a hamstring injury. Both sets of fans retrospectively applauded the 22 year old star as he left the field. It’s unknown how long Bean will be out for, which would be a great loss to the team who have relied on the magician to come up with the tricks of late.

As the game went on, The Bell Inn started to dominate and just before the stroke of half time Eyre scored a bizarre volley which somehow lobbed the 6ft 9’ Aylsham Keeper. A defender attempted to clear the ball, Eyre tried to control it 35 yards out, the ball then hit his shin and looped over the keeper to make it 3-1 going into the break.

The Bell Inn started the second half as well as the first, and with Bean off, there was only one player who would steal the show, debutant Dale Simpson. The 21 year old, who also works at Tesco, took control of the game and soon became the provider, cutting the ball back to Eyre who again, surprisingly, stuck the ball in the back of the net. Replays showed the ball bounced up and caused the ball to bobble in of his ankle. Eyre, 37, is one of the worst players in the County and since sticking not 1, but 3 goals past Aylsham in 2 games, they have considered folding and never playing football again. It’s simply embarrassing.

There were a few stoppages in the second half due to the lack of footballs The Bell Inn own, and the ones they do own, are worse than the £3 Patrick balls you find at JJB. The disruption got to Donovan and his slip up at the back, allowed the Aylsham striker in to finish.

About 2 minutes after Aylsham pulled one back, Simpson decided enough was enough, went on a little run and finished delightfully in the top right corner from 20 yards out.

Around 70 minutes the crowd erupted as manager Babb announced the substitution of Eyre, replaced by supporter/player Robinson, who interestingly wore pink boots and orange socks. If only his family were there to witness, what can only be described as a public humiliation.

Simpson then completed his hat-trick with a low 25 yard drive, which went in off the upright and completed a fine display by him and a great team performance. There was slight controversy after Simpson scored his third, as player/support Paul Munday shouted “sign him up” to manager Babb. A bright Aylsham player soon caught on to this, but luckily Simpson had already finalised his move from Poringland.

The Bell Inn face an unbeaten Sloughbottom Revolution next Sunday and after back to back wins, it looks like it will be a close encounter. If Brown fails to show again, and Bean is fully fit, The Bell Inn will have a good chance of another victory.

Sun Ratings

C. Richmond – 7 Would have been higher if it wasn’t for that new top.

S. Henning – 7 Solid game, loves taking throw ins.

R. Donovan – 4 Left Spalding exposed at times and bullied me into doing the blog.

B. Spalding – 8 Another great game, looking much more of a unit at the back now.

D. Bland – 3 More worried about his trumpet then the game.

J. Holland – 7 Glided like a Gazelle down the right.

A. Brown – 8 Kept the ball well and made Eyre look worse.

J. Eyre – 2 2 Lucky goals. Subbed.

N. Anderson – 6 Forced off by injury but a world class start.

D. Simpson – 9 STAR MAN – an inspiring performance and great finishing.

I. Babb – 8 Must have had a good game as he didn’t once moan at the ref.

Subs

R. Stone – 5 Not enough time to impress.

I. Robinson – 6 Awful boots and socks, worked hard.

Many thanks

Neil ‘man of many talents including dressing up as a beaver’ Anderson

Brown shines as Bell Inn bounce back

The Bell Inn registered their first win in 5 games to kick start season charge for promotion; this ‘bouncebackability’ was in no small thanks to its new singings – most notably the efforts of Adam ‘Saggy’ Brown. For about year now we have been told of such tales that “brown is a great player,” or that “he is a magician with the ball at his feet” or even that “he was on the books of Cambridge.” Finally the Bell Inn have reason to believe these legendary tales, and only now have realised where we have been going wrong…. we have been looking at the wrong brown. Somehow, we have been under the impression that the ‘hapless’ Tom Brown was this star. When, in reality, he has been living off the legend of his younger brother Adam I can only assume that his need to spin such fallacy was his desire to be his brother. It’s frankly embarrassing for old brother to be living in the shadow of his younger brother, yet finally this joke of a player has been identified as the fraud that he is.

The Bell Inn showed great initiative turning up on time in AYLSHAM to play AYLSHAM. Unfortunately this initiative was not shared be the games official how had arrived in Thorpe Marriott to referee Aylsham at home. Idiot.

Finally the game got under way with The Bell Inn making their standard sluggish start, with Aylsham out of the blocks quickly. The Aylsham line up consisting mainly of boys and an average age of 15 years old were quick and worked hard showing no signs of drinking the previous night, this is possibly due to being in bed by 9pm and up to watch CBeebies before the games morning kick off. In little time they took the lead, a speculative effort was originally thought to be a pass back to deputising keeper Kris Lane. However, somehow the shot deceived Lane, he was later quoted as saying “I looked down at my right leg and it wouldn’t move.” Despite clearly suffering from a stroke Lane carried on.

Bell Inn began to get a foothold in the game, as momentum started to build, one player struggling to get a foothold was Neil ‘bean’ Anderson, when Balicki slotted a delightful through ball behind the Aylsham defence the Enders ‘joke’ tripped over his own feet crashing like a daddy long legs into the turf. Although he should have been immediately subbed for embarrassing this great club he was allowed to carry on by Babb. I can only assume that this is the Bell Inn’s attempt at doing its bit for the community by allowing this semi-retarded, dougie loving boy to play.

The idiotic then turned to sublime as bean (using his unfavoured, mildly better right foot) delivered an enticing free kick into the box. On the end of it the most unlikely of scorers as veteran Eyre popped up with an assured finish. He was, of course, to celebrate his goal alone as none of the Bell Inn playing staff celebrate an Eyre goal. Game on.

The impressive Brown was pulling the strings in the middle of the park and the defence looked uncharacteristically assured having had Spalding and ‘Trumpet Boy’ Bland slot in with relative ease. The Enders now very much in the ascendancy, resulting in the scorers of the next goal being only one team. The dynamic Ashman fizzing a ball into the box was met by the unfortunate Aylsham defender heading towards his own goal. The calamity continued as it then bounced off the post, back off the keeper and over the line. For the record this gives the keeper the goal, the defender the assist and Reece nothing. FACT.

Oozing with confidence The Bell Inn pressed for a goal to kill the tie off, a corner went to the Enders and unrealistically Anderson popped up with his second assist of the game. A curling delivery was met by the head of former drunk Richard Donovan whose header hammered past the keeper and into the net. Donovan, whose recent stint in Barnham Broom’s state of the art rehabilitation centre has meant he has looked a far better player in recent weeks. He has shifted his drinking pattern one day earlier to a Friday night, allowing him to show his best form leading the Enders today. As well as putting the team now 3-1 up a more important milestone had been met. Desperate gambler Thomas Brown had ridiculously taken on a bet with Donovan and Eyre that they would not score all season, the two defence minded players answered their critic with ease leaving the ABC taxi’s employee short of a weekly wage for his stupidity.

The game soon became a battle ground as Eyre left the pitch through injury. Replacing him was the first of two record breaking singings from Poringland Sunday. Funded by Cringleford billionaire and father of captain centre back Mr Donovan the Bell Inn flexed their financial muscle in the transfer market. A whopping £5 was paid to acquire Jack Tarrant and Dale Simpson respectively, with the former making his debut today. Tarrant, seen as the natural successor to Eyre in the anchor role was quickly into the action and appeared to take on Eyre’s mantle of kicking as many of the oppositions players as possible. Tackles were flying in all over the pitch, and the game was becoming increasingly stretched. Ian Babb (now compared to Milan Baros for his incredible pace but lack of finish) had chances to kill the game, with Balicki also going close. But then the unthinkable happened. The underworked stroke victim Lane had clearly forgotten that he was not up front as Aylsham delivered a free kick into the Bell Inn box, the free kick sailed over hulk Hogan lookalike Lane who was stood on the edge of our box flailing fists and into the net. Sporting an undersized goalie top and jogging bottoms ripped at the crotch he probably hoped he had worn underwear when selecting his trackies for the game, although his hanging manhood may have put the opposition strikers off at times during this game.

The spectacle was now on a knife edge, in the back of the Bell Inn regulars minds was the previous week’s debarkle. Doing nothing to calm the nerves was Spalding at the back insisting on taking on three Aylsham strikers within his own box. One of these was then to get the best out of Lane; a powerful drive looked destined for the bottom corner. Man mountain Lane at full stretch managed to tip the effort round the post drawing gasps from the on looking support (Aylsham support obviously, we don’t have any.)

Bell Inn held on to record and invaluable victory, despite fitness casualties Balicki and Anderson barely moving in the last 15 mins through cramp.

Kris Lane – 8 Mistakes for the goals forgotten with excellent save, buy some trousers

Stu Henning – 8 Solid, some great deliveries and a slide tackle

Rich Donovan – 10 Captains performance, in the team because of his dad

Ben Spalding – 9 Donovan didn’t moan at him, must be good

Danny ‘Trumpet’ Bland – 8 Regrets joining now he is stuck at left back

Neil ‘Bean’ Anderson – 2 Two assists…. Still a joke

Josh Eyre – 8 Would have been lower, but I’m writing the report

Adam ‘Saggy’ Brown – 10 STAR MAN Everything Tom isn’t. Thank God

Reece Ashman – 9 Going to be a father, no hope for the nipper, but congrats

James Balicki – 8 Struggling to settle in England, trying to engineer a move home

Ian ‘Baros’ Babb – 8 Some guilt edged chances that De Gea saved in goal

Sub: Jack Tarrant 9 – Loves Eyre so much he now insists on playing football and working with him

Tom Brown 10 – Best performance of season by not turning up

In summary a great win boys and the first of many. Now we just have to do it with Tom Brown in our team…. unlikely.

Joshua ‘I’ll be lucky if this is not edited by Brown before it makes the blog’ Eyre

The Bell Inn do an Arsenal

Arsenal used to be the greatest club in England, and one of the top clubs in the world. Now they are not.

The same applies to the Bell Inn.

Last season saw the Bell Inn created, promoted, worshipped and represent Norwich in a County Cup Final.

This season has seen a complete demise. Poor form, shocking individual displays and terrible attitudes in the camp have seen the promotion hopefuls start the season in similar fashion to Arsenal; embarrassingly.

Last weekend’s 7-3 defeat away at Salhouse just about summed it up. Being 3-1 up at half time and completely dominating proceedings still wasn’t enough, as the team crumbled and concede 6 soft second half goals.

The week before was just as bad, as the Bell Inn lost 2-1 at AFC Oak, a team that were yet to record a win this campaign.

What has gone wrong you may ask?

Well, to start with, Johnny Holland and Nathan Sadler have left the club. Although replacements have been brought in, these two Michael Buble loving pretty boys have left a huge hole at the club, both on and off the field. Eg, Cesc Fabregas, Samir Nasri and Gael Clichy at Arsenal.

Moaning has increased within the camp. On field rows, constant bickering amongst team mates and arguing with every refereeing decision has made the Bell Inn look like a joke at times. Ian Babb is turning into a mould of Arsene Wenger as we speak.

Some of the team’s ‘top players’ have simply not been performing to their high standard. The few players who should be dominating in this league have not been having the impact they should be having, or have shown in the past. Similar to that of Robin Van Persie, I mean where has he been since May?

The game at AFC Oak wasn’t great. Oak, gracing Mulbarton Legends Karl Hayward and Scott Sealey, were poor but still somehow managed to beat the Bell Inn due to two ‘Stoke-like’ long balls confusing the defence.

Mark Donovan, making his standard ‘once a season appearance’, got the Bell Inn goal but it wasn’t enough.

That display was poor but it was nothing on the 7-3 defeat to Salhouse, or more specifically the 6-0 second half scoreline.

Neil ‘Bean’ Anderson and Danny Bland managed to score their first goals for the club and Babb tucked in a third in a dominant first half display, but the second half a completely different team came out and quite simply bottled it.

James Balicki and Adam ‘Saggy’ Brown made their debuts. Saggy looked class. Balicki looked shocking and was rightfully subbed.

Tom Brown chose to play in goal to replace the injured Chris Richmond, and despite letting in 7 goals, picked up Man of the Match. THATS how poor the performance was.

How will this change? Can Babb turn the club around? Will Robbie Stone stop moaning? Will Josh Eyre ever win a header again? Will Balicki learn how to play football again? Will the Bell Inn ever win again? In my opinion, the answer to ALL of these questions is no.

SUN RATINGS/COMPARISON ARSENAL PLAYER (Over the two previous games)

C. Richmond – 5 – Very hungover due to his birthday night out. Time to hang up his gloves? Was once good but now a national joke? #David Seaman

L. Ward – 4 – Injured, out for weeks, maybe months. #Francis Jeffers

R. Donovan – 6 – Hugh alcohol problems but still performs to a reasonable standard. #Tony Adams

M. Donovan – 7 – 100% game to goal ratio but getting old. #Davor Suker

R. Stone – 5 – Lots of moaning recently but still the second funniest player in the squad behind myself. #Emmanuel Eboue

S. Henning – 6 – Is he a right back or a right winger? #Lauren

N. Anderson – 8 – Been impressive the last two games but can he keep it up? Can be very good or simply embarrassing. #Abou Diaby

B. Spalding – 7 – Been carrying the team to an extent, looks like to join Barcelona next summer. #Cesc Fabregas

J. Balicki – 2 – Was once good but has totally lost all ability. #Andrei Arshavin

J. Eyre – 6 – Hair is getting a bit long, needs it cut. #Emmanuel Petit.

D. Bland – 6 – Under achieved a bit since joining the club, but things will improve. #Marouane Chamakh

R. Ashman – 7 – Been one of the better players recently. #Marc Overmars

T. Brown – 7 – Goalkeeper/Midfielder/Striker, play me anywhere and I will dominate. #Nelson Vivas

I. Babb – 6 – Moans at officials. #Arsene Wenger

C. Mulley – 5 – Fails to turn up at times, may never play for the club again. #Niklas Bendtner

A. Brown – 8 – Looked impressive on debut but will he sign permanently? #Edu

 

This week we face Aylsham. Last season Aylsham got ONE POINT in 22 league games. This season they already have more but surely, SURELY we can win.

However, I cannot play as I am off to the Emirates to watch a game that is likely to be equally as poor as the Bell Inn.

But good luck.

Bell Inn till I die.

Tom ‘Gotta run, gotta run, gotta outrun my gun’ Brown