Kris Lane is a disgrace.

The Bell Inn got back to winning ways this morning with a simple 5-2 win at Freethorpe.

Josh Farrow made his first start for the club, scoring a wonder goal and dominating throughout.

Last night’s antics at Kris ‘goal drought’ Lane’s birthday bash didn’t seem to affect the Bell Inn’s performance as they won without Tom Brown even breaking sweat.

Brown, back in the starting eleven after 6 weeks out, scored within 10 minutes after good work from Stu Henning.

Farrow doubled the scoring with a 30 yard bullet, followed by a similar strike from Jack Tarrant.

Rich Donovan scored his standard header from 2 yards out and even Neil ‘Bean’ Anderson scored, which really does prove how bad Freethorpe were.

Last night saw the first ‘in-club’ fight, between Liam Ward and Ben Spalding. Punches were thrown in a local bar and both failed to attend the match today.

Rumours have it that Spalding is scared. His award of ‘Team Hardman 2010’ looks to be in doubt. Early favourites to take his crown are Ward himself, Dale Simpson and Tom Brown.

The Bell Inn were also without Chris Richmond, Saggy Brown and Dale Simpson but luckily they weren’t required.

Ian Babb took the goalkeepers jersey and made a complete fool of himself. Both goals were his fault. He moaned at the referee for both goals as well, claiming he wasn’t being ‘protected’. Such a strange man.

To make things worse, after the game Babb went to stand on top of a mound to have his photo taken. Again, such a strange thing to do. The picture is available to see on Facebook.

Players not turning up is not particularly acceptable but Kris Lane, who surprisingly DID turn up, went one step further.

As the only substitute, he performed a Carlos Tevez and refused to come on. Josh Eyre was playing through severe injury but Lane, who was recently awarded Worst Hairstyle 2011 in a local poll, stuck his fingers up and wouldn’t come on.

Tevez and Lane are very similar. They both think they are bigger than the club. Both arrogant, both have bad hair and both only play when they feel like it. They also play in the same position.

The only difference between them is that Tevez actually scores goals. As a striker you may think this is normal but no, not for Lane. His last two games he started up front and failed to record a shot. Today, he was rightfully dropped to the bench.

The stand out performer today was ex-Norwich trainee Farrow. Stuck out on the left on a bumpy pitch, Farrow was part of every decent attack and showed signs of being back to his best.

Farrow, who i once let take my girlfriend to the cinema because he is a good mate, is the Bell Inn’s record signing. With himself, Saggy, Dale and Jack dominating the midfield, the Bell Inn will be very hard to beat from now on.

It will also be very hard for Eyre to get in the team. Personally, I think he should be dropped.

Today, Eyre had a five-minute spell from hell. He miscontrolled every, passed wayward several times and just completely lost the plot.

Finally, he asked to be subbed. And at this moment I was the happiest I have been in months.

Finally, Eyre has realised that he is shit. He is currently hobbling around the lounge faking an injury to excuse his performance.

Final Score :

Freethorpe 2 v 5 Bell Inn

(Brown, Farrow, Tarrant, Donovan, Anderson)

SUN RATINGS

I. Babb – 6 – Cracked up as soon as he put the goalkeepers jersey on.

S. Henning – 7 – Won a header. Can you believe it? Well Done Stu.

R. Donovan – 8 – A lot better than last week, still part of the worst defence in the league though.

R. Stone – 8 – Best performance of the season so far.

D. Bland – 7 – Literally didn’t realise he was playing.

R. Ashman – 6 – Quiet.

J. Eyre – 6 – Only a matter of time until he gets dropped.

J. Tarrant – 8 – Quality.

J. Farrow – 8 – STAR MAN – Very quality.

T. Brown 5 – Didn’t do a lot but scored. Which is what strikers are there for.

N. Anderson – 8 – His best performance of the season too. Did all Brown’s work for him and scored with a tidy finish.

SUB

K. Lane – 0 – Disgraced himself. Needs a haircut.

SPECTATORS

P. Munday – 7 – Brought Claire along for us to look at.

C. Butler – 9 – Looked very nice.

The Bell Inn are up to third now and a top three finish should guarantee promotion. However, all the teams around us have games in hand.

This means we must win every game. Else the dream is over.

Tom ‘I don’t even break sweat and I score the first goal, if only my team mates were as good as me…..’ Brown.

Bell Inn back to their worst

The Bell Inn’s mini revolution came to a depressing end this morning after an awful display of football.

With Dale Simpson and Ben Spalding missing, the team suffered due to having no ‘hard-men’ in the squad.

On top of this, several of the team spent the night out in Norwich, many not reaching their beds until 5am.

As for the few who didn’t drink last night, they were equally as appalling on the pitch as the Bell Inn lost their first game in over a month.

Mr Paul Donovan, the club’s billionaire owner, spent the game huffing and puffing, simply disgusted that he had got out of bed to watch 14 pathetic wanabe footballers disgrace the village of Barnham Broom.

To make things worse, his youngest son and club captain Richard Donovan had his worst game of the season/ever. At times, it was embarrassing to be on the same pitch as him.

Junior Donovan was one of those who spent the night in Norwich’s finest bars and clubs. The one time sensible ‘cretin’ now walks around the city, chest pumped out, thinking he is the new Playboy around town.

Without going into any specific detail, due to close friends and family of his reading this blog, I can confirm that he isn’t Norwich’s new Playboy. He tries, very hard, but doesn’t quite reach the heights of team-mates such as Tom Brown or Kris Lane.

The game itself was terrible. For some stupid reason I was named amongst the substitutes allowing Lane to start ahead of me again.

If anyone has ever seen Lane play, they would understand my frustration. If anyone has ever seen Lane’s stats, they would probably agree that he is one of the worst players in Norfolk.

This self-confessed ‘legend’ has started the last 2 games up front and has failed to have a shot. On top of this, the striker has a total of 3 goals in the club’s history. This is less than Josh Eyre. Nuff said.

Josh Farrow was also amongst the substitutes, ready to make his debut. Farrow, 20, has been injured for a year but I will guarantee you once fully fit, he will dominate the league.

Neil ‘Bean’ Anderson was the other sub. Who cares about him though. He did have new boots but again, who cares. Hopefully his parents care cos I certainly don’t.

Two sloppy first half goals gave Taverham a half time lead. We won’t go into the defending right now but I can confirm that the Bell Inn have the worst defence in Europe.

Half time : Bell Inn 0 v 2 Taverham.

Eventually Lane got subbed. For Brown. When this happened the Bell Inn looked so much better. Having a 27-goal a season striker up top instead of a 3-goal a season striker makes sense. It is just a shame it has took manager Babb one and a half games to realise this.

In all honestly, Lane did have a good game but he deserves abuse until he gets his hair cut.

Another defensive error saw Taverham score a third before Tarrant pulled back a goal with a 35 yard strike. A very good strike indeed.

And that was that. A defeat. To the team bottom of the league. Can it get any worse? Well, yes it can.

Cos as we speak, manager Ian Babb has seemed to lost of his marbles and is currently in the process of a Facebook rampage, abusing members of his team.

In other news, James Balicki has quit the club after just two games because he is lazy.

Finally, club owner Paul Donovan grumbled, ‘I would give everyone less than 5 out of 10’.

I respect this man and will do as he says.

Full Time : Bell Inn 1 v 3 Taverham.

(Tarrant)

SUN RATINGS

C. Richmond – 4 – MAN OF THE MATCH – Not very good but better than everyone else. Good save from the penalty spot.

S. Henning – 3 – Had about 4 touches all game.

R. Donovan – 1 – No comment.

D. Bland – 2 – Played out of position.

R. Stone – 2 – Slower than Jardel. Jardel was slow and fat when he was a professional. He retired 4 years ago. He is still faster than Robbie.

R. Ashman – 3 – Like Henning, could have done with more of the ball. Missed sitter.

J. Eyre – 4 – Kept it simple, unlike some.

A. Brown – 3 – Not as impressive as recent weeks.

J. Tarrant – 4 – Good goal saved him.

K. Lane – 4 – Worked hard but needs to try and shoot or at least get in a shooting position sometimes, being a striker and all.

I. Babb – 3 – Quiet.

SUBS

T. Brown – 3 – If I dont start next week, I quit.

N. Anderson – 2 – If he starts next week, I quit.

J. Farrow – 4 – If he decides he wants to play for us again next week I will be surprised.

SPECTATORS

P. Donovan – 4- Should be expecting a call up next week.

C. Sutcliffe – 4 – Someone to talk to whilst standing off the pitch waiting to come on.

L. Ward – 4 – Looked lovely in his pink cast.

Come on boys. We are playing in Division 3B. How is it even possible to lose games in this league? It is awful.

Anyway, I am tired. I have more important things to do than sit on my laptop, write a report and grade people who play in a league what can only be described as ‘very amateur’.

Have a good evening. I recommend you put on the Barcelona match. Sky Sports 1. Compare me to Messi. The similarities are unreal.

Regards,

Tom ’10 years ago I had prospects, now I am a sub for a club in one of the worst leagues in England. FML.’ Brown.

Final Squad list and numbers 2010/11

A final revised list of squad numbers have been announced as the Bell Inn have completed signing every player they possibly can in the Norfolk region.

Also, I would like to apologise of my absence in recent weeks. I have been to the Emirates, felt ill, been injured and generally been more inconsistent at turning up than Carlos Tevez.

However, after very weak blog efforts from Neil Anderson, Rich Donovan and Josh Eyre, I am back on the scene this coming Sunday. Certain individuals may receive some abuse.

Finally, welcome to the club Adam Saggy Brown, Jack Tarrant and Dale Simpson. You are all brilliant but dont forget who your king is. That is important.

Regards,

Tom ‘I have played football the last 3 nights and I am still shit’ Brown.

(Original and best blogger)

SQUAD NUMBERS 2010/11

1. Chris Richmond

2. Liam Ward

2.5. Paul Munday (the forgotten man)

3. Danny Bland (get down with the trumpets)

4. Robbie Stone

5. Rich Donovan (Captain, god knows why)

6. Ben Spalding

7. Stu Henning

8. Kris Lane (goal drought)

9. Ian Babb

10. Reece Ashman

11. Tom Brown (Adam Saggy Browns idol)

12. Neil Anderson (joke)

13. Josh Eyre (even bigger joke)

14. Dale Simpson

15. Adam Saggy Brown

16. Jack Tarrant

17. Josh Farrow

18. Chris Sutcliffe

19. James Balicki

20. Johnny Holland

21. Nath Sadler (suffers from commitment issues)