Bell Inn : End of Season Review

STATS

League Position: 4th in Divison 4B (promoted)

Played 22. Won 13. Drew 2. Lost 7. Scored 100. Conceded 46. Goal Difference +54. Points 41.

County Cup : Runners Up (Played 5, Won 4, Lost 1)

SUMMARY

One year ago, a bunch of idiots wanted to start a Sunday football team. With the help of the Bell Inn Pub in Barnham Broom, this happened. A group of immature, drunken, deluded ‘wanabe professional footballers’ teamed up together, along with a bright yellow kit and a few water bottles. Nine months later, they have been touted as heroes, legends, superstars and some even wankers.

But in hindsight, the popularity of the Bell Inn F.C has increased dramatically. 95% of Norfolk have heard of us. 60% of Norfolk name us as their favourite Sunday team. Only a lucky 0.001% of Norfolk get the chance to play for us. If you don’t, don’t bother. Playing for the Bell Inn will ruin your life. Ask Richard Donovan.

Due to popular demand and constant text messages from some of the squad, a small end of season Player Review has been published. If your bored, click on the X button in the top right hand corner. If not, read on…

Chris Richmond – Played 22, Scored 0.

Season Rating : 9/10 (Managers Player of the Season)

Highlight of the season : An outstanding save in the County Cup final when lobbed from 30 yards. Somehow managed to claw it away.

Low point of the season : Terrible mistake away at One Love United, which ultimately lost us the game and some sections of the media even say the title.

Paul Munday – Played 8, Scored 0.

Season Rating : 6/10 (Started well but went AWOL)

Highlight : Making his comeback after 4 months in the Cup Final. Despite only playing for 10 minutes, almost picked up Man of the Match.

Low point : Leaving the club to move to London. Disgrace. Reputation ruined. Now a hate figure amongst some of the firm.

Nathan Sadler – Played 24, Scored 3.

Season Rating : 8/10 (Players Player of the Year)

Highlight : Going into JJB Sports and purchasing a captain’s armband, just so he could be the club’s captain.

Low point : His recent lifestyle. Alchohol, womanising. Seriously affected his somewhat promising football career.

Richard Donovan – Played 23, Scored 8.

Season Rating : 8/10 (Best player in second half of season)

Highlight : Scoring more headers than arch enemy Josh Eyre.

Low point : Tripping over the ball in his own box to let the opposition score. Pathetic.

Stu Henning – Played 27, Scored 8.

Season Rating : 7/10 (Did well at right-back considering he’s a striker)

Highlight : Winning his first header for the Bell Inn, 21 games into the season.

Low point : Being run ragged by the best player in the league; some Ethopian marathon runner playing for One Love United.

Robbie Stone – Played 18, Scored 3.

Season Rating : 7/10 (Improved as the season went on)

Highlight : Playing a match with his face painted as a clown from the night before.

Low point : Going in goal against Hethersett. Simply embarrasing.

Liam Ward – Played 19, Scored 2.

Season Rating : 7/10 (Mr Reliable, apart from when getting sent off)

Highlight : Punching an opponent for no apparent reason.

Low point : Getting a five game suspension for the above.

Mark Donovan – Played 1, Scored 0.

Season Rating : 0/10 (Why bother?)

Highlight : Doesn’t have one.

Low point : Actually playing, could barely move. A shadow of the player he once was.

Josh Eyre – Played 25, Scored 2.

Season Rating : 8/10 (Unrealistically quite valuable to the team)

Highlight : Started on bench one week and watched the team crumble without him. Made him feel good about himself.

Low point : Attempting a triple stepover and falling flat on his face. Has been mentioned to him every day since.

Ben Spadling – Played 13, Scored 2.

Season Rating : 7/10 (Hopefully will feature more next season)

Highlight : Managing to keep hold of Carly Leveridge.

Low point : Dead leg ruled him out of a starting berth in the Cup Final. If fit, we would have won. Fact.

Baz – Played 18, Scored 3.

Season Rating : 7/10 (Solid in every position)

Highlight : Used as emergency left back against Hethersett. Put in his best performance of his whole career.

Low point : Having a surname that is too long to write on any match reports or blogs.

Reece Ashman – Played 19, Scored 9.

Season Rating : 8/10 (Was missed when ventured to Spain)

Highlight : Turning up to a game in just pants.

Low point : Being subbed in that game and having nothing to wear to watch the remainder of it.

Tom Nicholls – Played 2, Scored 0.

Season Rating : 5/10 (Didn’t play enough to warrant a better rating)

Highlight : Increased attendances due to being good friends with the Bell Inn Firm.

Low point : Being good friends with Richard Donovan.

Chris Sutcliffe – Played 12, Scored 2.

Season Rating : 7/10 (Experience was crucial)

Highlight : Managing the team for the Cup Final, potential to kick on and become permanent manager.

Low point : Throwing a hissy fit away at Dereham Utd against someone half his age. Almost subbed himself but calmed down.

Kris Lane – Played 14, Scored 4.

Season Rating : 7/10 (Only 23 goals behind Brown)

Highlight : Can’t think of anything football related, so his charity bike ride from Scotland to Norwich the other week.

Low point : Claiming to be a better striker than Tom Brown; left many players and fan’s hating him.

Johnny Holland – Played 21, Scored 15.

Season Rating : 8/10 (Constant threat going forward)

Highlight : Scoring four goals on his debut.

Low point : Being shit ever since.

Tom Brown – Played 21, Scored 27.

Season Rating : 8/10 (Best games to goal ratio)

Highlight : Everything.

Low point : Not getting a single vote from his fellow players for Player of the Season. After scoring 27 goals. A complete and utter joke.

Ian Babb – Played 24, Scored 28.

Season Rating : 9/10 (Superbly combined managing with playing, deserves knighthood)

Highlight : His performance in the County Cup Semi Final was probably the best individual performance by any player this season.

Low point : Turning up late to every single game without fail.

George Newberry – Played 11, Scored 5.

Season Rating : 7/10 (Missed him in the Cup Final)

Highlight : Going to church on Cup Final day to wish the team luck.

Low point : His boots ripped and he couldn’t be bothered to buy a new pair.

Thanks for your time. I hope you’ve enjoyed this season’s blogs. I’ve now been appointed ‘Mulbarton Wanderers Blogger’ but will carry on my Bell Inn duties throughout the summer and into next season, until someone else can be bothered to take over. As long as that person isn’t Josh Eyre, I am not bothered. In fact, if anyone is reading and is a central midfielder, please contact me. We need to get Eyre out of the team as he is slowing down the club’s progress.

Regards. Tom “Thierry Henry once scored 27 goals in a season and got English Footballer of the Year. You lot are clueless” Brown.

Fans fury as Bell Inn sign ‘Bean’

The Bell Inn made their second signing of the week as ‘mis-fit’ Neil Anderson, nicknamed Bean, signed a pay as you play contract.

Bean, 22, has caused uproar amongst many of the club’s players and fans, with many commenting that signings like this will slow down the club’s progress.

But Bean, who claims to play as an attacking midfielder, is in high spirits.

“The likes of you {Tom Brown} and Ian Babb will be a dream to play with. But Richard Donovan is a worry. I think he may be a weakness both in the game and for morale”, said Bean, via a text conversation with club journalist and overall top bloke Brown.

When asked what squad number the Mr Bean look-a-like wanted, he asked for 22, as that’s his age. Sky Sports journalists laughed in his face, claiming him to be the stupidest footballer in world football, just ahead of Mario Balotelli. One blurted out, “Doesn’t he realise that this is Sunday league football and squad numbers do not go this high. Also, his age will change during the season. What a retard.”

Early in 2010, Bean signed for Mulbarton Wanderers. His spell was cut short during pre-season though as he got dropped to the reserve side and refused to play. This attitude will have to change for the Bell Inn, as his chances of actually getting a game are very low. Luckily, he knows this and joked, “Haha, I’m a great lino”.

Many say arrogance has been Bean’s biggest downfall his whole life. Hanging around with the likes of James Pipe and Tom Brown hasn’t helped this. Comments such as,

“When I join the crowds will come in their numbers”

“I will attract more potential WAGs”

“My addition to the team will be invaluable and we will not be able to improve”

The bookmakers have been busy already, making “Special Bean odds” for the forthcoming season. He is 10/1 to score a goal, 50/1 to start more than 5 games, 200/1 to attract any good looking WAGs and 800/1 to pick up a Player of the Year award.

Joking aside, the club will welcome Mr Anderson to the club. Along with Danny Holman, Bean will help fill the gaps made void by Johnny Holland and Nathan Sadler, who left the club last week.

“Im hoping to settle in and secure my place in the starting eleven. I hope the lads take a liking to me without too much abuse.”

“Im aiming for promotion and another cup run as I want to fight for trophies.”

“Personally I want to try and pull off a white pair of boots”.

Although clearly deluded, Bean certainly talks a good game and I hope for his sake the fans take to him. He is a clown, goes out clubbin dressed as Tiger and has a 1 in 200 success rate with girls, but is a good bloke at heart and will fit in nicely as the Bell Inn aim for another promotion and another run to a major cup final.

Finally, he added,

“It’s a club with great ambition and support and I can see us going far. But more importantly, the players love getting drunk”.

Another signing is expected to be announced early next week. Keep your eyes open and ears peeled.

By Tom “dont bother scoring 27 goals in one season cos none of the players will vote you player of the season” Brown

Holman signs for Bell Inn

The Bell Inn made their first summer signing this afternoon, just two weeks after the Cup Final defeat.

Veteran Danny Holman, now aged 45, has come out of Sunday League retirement to sign for the up and coming kings of Sunday football.

Holman, who suffered from a horrific broken leg four months ago whilst playing for Mulbarton Wanderers, is keen to join the club. Chief scout Richard Donovan has spent month’s talking to Holman’s agent discussing terms. Finally today the defender confirmed to club journalist Tom Brown that a move to the Bell Inn is on the cards.

“If my leg is ok I’d love to have a run out. The Bell Inn is missing my skill and pace! Ha Ha”.

Although clearly deluded about his own ability, the joyful news has spread fast around the squad via text message. Manager Ian Babb was clearly delighted and responded with, “Awesome! Great signing”.

This is a must needed boost for the Bell Inn, who have lost Johnny Holland and captain Nathan Sadler for next season. Holland, 23, has moved away to concentrate on a job. Very unprofessional but his heart clearly isn’t with the club anymore after being shifted out to the left wing.

As for Sadler, a two year stint in Dubai is in the pipeline to enhance his ever-growing teaching career. The best friends, who have been seen at various Michael Buble concerts together in the last 12 months, will be sorely missed by everyone at the club. Apart from Richard Donovan, who is rumoured to be celebrating their departure.

In other news, the Bell Inn presentation night took place Saturday and was a huge success. Goalkeeper Chris Richmond picked up the manager’s Player of the Year award, with Sadler himself winning Player’s Player. Gaffa Babb’s was also presented with various gift’s which almost brought a tear to his eye.

Heavy drinking resulted in many of the squad going to Lo La Lo’s to continue the night, which ended in all sorts of bother. A member of the Bell Inn firm was pushed to the ground by an ‘unknown player’. Firm leader Rob Bingham commented on the incident, saying, “I thought it was quite funny”.

More signings are expected in the coming months, so keep upto date via this website.

And end of season review will be posted within the next couple of weeks.

With love, Tom “27 goals but no player of the year votes” Brown